I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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