I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
