I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
