I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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