Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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