apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Randomize
