we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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