just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
