Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize