I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
