shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
