she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
