Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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