So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
