I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Life is so much better after having sex.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
