At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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