I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
