we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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