hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
