Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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