i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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