everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I did not marry a roomba.
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