Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
