I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
