I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize