Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
