just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
