she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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