Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
