i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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