And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
