There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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