vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
