I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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