Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
false alarm, still single
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
