I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
