I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize