i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
