i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
