Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
