im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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