I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
