I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
