Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
