MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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