Need sex. Gaining weight.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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