I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
