I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I need a burrito and a hug.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
