you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
