just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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