In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
