my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My life is pants optional.
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