I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
barbara walters just said penis...
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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