dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
