I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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