there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
