I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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