She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
