I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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