I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
