His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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