Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
